Life Less Loved – Expressive Poetry by Rahel
© 2005 Rahel (Ann Rachel Silverman-Limor)
Volume I – Poetry Volume II – Song
August 10, 1972
I remember Adam.
Adam was sad.
He made me sad.
I didn’t like Adam because he made me sad.
But Adam was fantastic.
I remember thinking that Adam was a poet.
He wrote down all his sadness.
I would like to see Adam again someday.
I would be afraid to find out how he is.
I don’t like to be sad.
I hope Adam will be happy.
September 4, 1972
I’m locked within.
I can’t get out….
To the roses,
The flowers beyond
September 8, 1973
I am one person
I am hard and cold
Longing for an easy way out
Hoping it’s tomorrow.
Searching for the unknown.
Hurt again but then revived.
What is life?
Evil, yet good.
And all things must pass….
November 11, 1974
Death, Death, Death
Why do I treasure it so?
What a curious adventure!
Death is only another way of life.
Isn’t that so?
Or maybe not.
Who cares what it is.
All of us must enter it one day.
How absolutely enchanting!
What a wonderful way to go.
April 15, 1975
You gave me new life
I wish I could say
Life was that way.
It’s my dream
I’ll be free.
Don’t you see?
I’m still growing up
And messing up
And fixing up…
Be free, he repeated,
To live (your) life
Your own way.
Way up high
Throughout the sky
My widened eyes
It’s an ordinary sight
Just a dream
And I’m waking up.
(I want) to live.
April 28, 1975
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Tell me true what makes one fall?
The truth is there but just for me.
For this in others I cannot see.
How can one love when lies prevail?
But “love” they say. I’ll never tell.
I am alone though wish it not.
But “love” for now best be forgot.
Happy, yet, for me alone.
Protected by my heart of stone.
January 23, 1976
Reflections on a day …
up and down
I hate you
I love you
I love you
in my room
Joining in to let down
and insult to injury
up and down
good and bad
I hate you
I love you
September 27, 1976: Khusro: To Peace, if he’ll listen
Why are we talking of peace;
Am I not already one with you?
Instead we must follow the example of the river
That flows towards the mountain top.
No, not to dwell there,
But to flourish …
Like a rainbow in a her promising lands,
Dancing in all joy there
We have found our pot of gold.
May 13, 1979: Jerusalem
Bookends hold forgotten portraits
Armed lovers risk childish purring
Must turn happiest times behind
The clarinet weaving through screams
Pressing three Christian peers
With their report
April 24, 1980: And I, the Teacher
There was a man in school.
A young man.
A handsome and talented man.
A man too soon.
And I, the teacher,
came to love this young man
And placed him above all the others
And lived for his ambitions
And forgot about me
And theirs …
Moved by his charm,
His sweet seventeen year old charm
Stop! Teacher …
Ah yes …
Look at you.
You’ve already had your lessons.
Most you’ve learned the hard way.
Fight it this time.
Step back and take your place this time.
He’s a kid.
A good, young, handsome and talented KID.
You can help him or not,
But don’t damage h him
Step back and fight it this time, Teacher.
In school …
January 21, 1981
I thought I’d write a love song but I’m not in love.
I thought it might be pleasing to the ear.
Instead I tried again to place a warm chord here and there.
To send a single melody to make the message clear.
But all that came to mind was just confusion of the lines, and melodies of songs already sun.
Those chords of never-ending nights that leave you feeling blue.
I close my eyes and drift away.
I’m dressed for the occasion of the seldom found persuasion and the temperamental easy-flowing sounds.
The process isn’t easy as the songs turn out so sleazy and you wonder…
Where did they ever get their inspiration?
January 23, 1981: The Poetry Bowl – Memories of David
Strong, meaningful, scintillating stuff
And special love perfumes.
Coy, musky eyes spread thundering
Resonance in secret gatherings of you.
A still evening with secret pleas
And tremble within empty desires.
We’re peer partners urgently holding romantic ideals.
Yours is a simple whisper, only silently asleep.
Mine is hiding deep, fearing risk.
We kiss once, curling into full retreat.
Gazing through beautiful gyrating candles.
Stammering on unspoken pressures.
I’ve hushed those days now.
Changing my thoughts towards lonely progress
And eagerly contemplating your return.
May 18, 1981L The Restaurant
In the restaurant I’ve come to know many people.
With each day I learn something new about their private lives.
I know how they think, how they feel, what they expect
Of me and of others in their world.
I know their eating habits.
I may even know things that their best friends don’t even know.
Sometimes I tell my friends the secrets I’ve heard.
Meaningless information for us.
But for them?
Working in the restaurant is a daily routing
Spiced with menial intrigue and suspense
That keeps it tolerable.
June 19, 1981
It’s healthier to get the anger out of you.
Not to hold the pain inside.
It’s a task so hard to complete but
It must be done.
Then you’re free to love.
July 11, 1981: Like It Was Before
“It will be now like it was before”
I promised you it would.
Now when we meet, which is less than before
I see that night in your eyes and
You see it in mine and
A feeling passes through us.
I know you now and
You know me.
We’ve shared a common goal
That wasn’t there before.
We both know now
As I knew before
That even though we can pretend
For the sake of your sanity but
Never for mine
It will never again be like it was before
Like it was before …
July 27, 1981: Birthday
The forest is so inviting as I stand on the outer edge
I’m hustling off to my city life
Avoiding my dreams and the inner visions that
Come from the flowing center force
Mysteriously hidden within her borders.
You can breathe in the secrets of tranquility that
Are secretly approachable to me.
If your heart is open and ready
You’ll find ecstasy in her wholeness which
You can retain for future survival.
I’ve awoken and have become separate from the dream
For my reality encroaches me.
August 9, 1981: A Single Pleasure Without You
Have you even been in a place with p people
Where all are friends and you are one
Grab that feeling of single pleasure
Find your wisdom, see what you’ve become
Life’s’ a bore on the shore of the circle
That you’re not within
Take hold of yourself
Now’s the time
You must begin to unfold with the chances that sing
With the dances of future romances with life
Build it up, throw it up, take the new or be blue
In a niche you’ll be rich but you’ll never be you
Life’s a single pleasure, sometimes crossing other treasures
I believe I’d better see it without you.
I’m on my way where I can see
The greatest hunter
Searching his soul his heart runs free
The greatest hunter
On his own
Shedding his fear he stands up tall
The proudest hunter
November 4, 1981
Do you know why they like her?
Because she speaks the truth.
She reaches their hearts with
Her constant rambling of
Thoughts and philosophies of
Her very own life.
It’s the truth they seek and
One day I thought I’d found the truth.
At least for me it was the truth but
Each of us finds a place of our own in the end.
Along the way we can share it
If we know how.
I’ve only just learned but I haven’t tried it yet.
I’ll betcha it’s the best place to be …
Along the way.
She’s still talking about our lives for us.
We can take it or leave it as we please.
I think I’ll move over to here in the meantime and
Take a little nap till the sun rises up
A little higher till
Tomorrow around noon.
November 25, 1981
My world is very small of late
Mostly it includes just you and
Sometimes another of the few but
Don’t be fooled by what I say
I feel fulfilled most every day
November 27, 1981: Oovabloe
It was a short road.
Thank G-d we didn’t pass it by.
What was it? Who were we?
Sweet, innocent love,
I feel I could have
Dedicated my life to you.
Didn’t we all for that short, sweet time?
December 5, 1981
I understand you only after the fact.
After you’ve come to me with nothing to say and have gone away.
When you’ve gone I contemplate and
Wonder if I’ve been mistaken
Just to listen and not to offer
The truths I see each time to you?
December 7, 1981
The warmth of my heatercan replace your warmth when you take it away from me. The flames of my anger can keep the fire lit only until the time of our next meeting, when that same anger will relinquish the pain of knowing you.
Tonight was you night if you had given it a chance. You didn’t know it. All wrapped up in pure emotion that spread like wildfire once the connection was made. The strike of one small match was all it took to set my soul a-fire.
December 7, 1981
Maybe it was I who was mistaken?
Maybe I don’t believe but
When it’s out I feel much better.
You had to know it for
It was you who was the cause.
Maybe you feel much better too?
Maybe I, myself, caused these feelings
To stir up a storm around us?
Just the same, I guess we both feel much better
Now that it’s out.
December 10, 1981
You’re the magic in the sounds I hear.
Without you it’s only music.
Ahhh, but such sweet music feeds
My heart and warms my soul when
You’re not near.
I live through you,
Through your body and soul.
You give me strength.
You give me love.
You give me feelings.
You make me feel alive.
Passion is your fantasy.
We are real.
December 10, 1981
I’m jealous of your loving them.
If only you were with me this time.
If only we would reach the heavens together.
This time, you and I, and not them.
If only you would sing to me,
A song like you’ve sung to them.
If only we could sing together…
Yes, I’m jealous of your loving them.
December 10, 1981
You say you tell me everything.
I think you do and
It scares me so.
You love so many people and
You say you love me though
You haven’t told me yet in
Just those words.
Nor I you, so I wonder if
It’s all true?
Time, you say…
I’ve said it too.
She knew we were in love.
Do you remember when she told us?
You were in love with her then,
Or so you thought.
Confusion makes my head spin.
Often, now I think of you, and
Censor my feelings even when
You ask to see them.
I’m afraid of something new -
Sharing each others’ beautiful souls.
Maybe we’re both not ready.
Time, we say, for we don’t know
How to face it now but maybe soon
The day will come when we’ll admit it
Without fear of loving me, of loving you,
Of meeting face to face with
Life’s most invigorating desire of
December 15, 1981
A year has passed since I have known you.
I feel we should celebrate its’ fruitfulness.
I’ve never been so alive as I’m soon becoming.
Friend of mine,
What seeds have we yet to nurture to
Inspire the blossom to fully bloom?
Now you’re in mourning,
Glorious when you win the fight.
A short year it’s been.
It seems so when you think back on each and every minute.
So clear and fresh that you can still feel it.
Here’s to the two of us and our short years to come.
Here’s to forever friend of mine.
December 16, 1981: Tzvika
I write this poem to the memory of you
To the beauty of you, to the wonder of you
To all that you were and all that you are
To the union of the two of you
To your simkha
December 17, 1981
All the poems I wrote for you
Tonight I leave them for the blue
The loss of what I cared for most
Another heartbreak takes the toast
I know you need your holy time
G-d knows I’ve given all of mine
Where was I in all your thoughts?
You never realized and now I’m lost.
Take care, take care to bear the hurt
Wear it well, it feels like dirt.
December 18, 1981: Silenced
In the silence I hear a voice.
It’s my voice.
In silence I sit, though
The rushing of inner mindswork
Tears me away into chaos unbearable.
Run! Where to run?
To the arms of a lover untrue as all they are?
In the silence my voice whispers on,
Never seeking to rest.
A slow mutter lingers, never content
To lay silent.
Peace is an inner ideal.
Solitude is the result.
Solitude is me and a voice
In the silence.
December 27, 1981
It’s a quiet life in Jerusalem without you.
Oh, I find things to do but
It’s a quiet life her in Jerusalem.
Cloudy days throw hints at moody thoughts.
I have many hours in a day and a night
Shading my thoughts from rains of pain,
The memories of conversation,
Dreams, with you I shared.
My home was broken once.
I was broken again and again.
The storm was easier to bear
With you, but
Without you life simply exists.
Oh, I find things to do.
In the quiet deep there’s a haven to
Harbor in and melt.
Life is quiet in Jerusalem
As I fall into the patterns and
Routine quiet existence.
December 30, 1981
I’m here for you. I hear your stories
Full of life, and feeling, and confusion …
I’m still here for you but,
With reserve and without feeling,
With a small wall of protection to
Evade the pain.
When your stories are of me
I will listen again to you,
To the world you want
To open up to me.
I’m yours, but
This time I’m mine.
December 31, 1981
You come to me like a child.
You’re looking for a mother.
I’m a girl, a woman, a friend but
You leave me for another.
I wonder if you care for me
The way you do the other?
I realize that you don’t know how
For now you want a lover.
So look elsewhere for I don’t want
To be somebody’s mother.
I’m a girl, a woman and a friend
I can also be a lover.
January 2, 1982
As my thoughts turn slowly from you towards me,
As I hesitate between the lines for breath
A woman begins to emerge from underneath
A foreign skin
There was a woman there, it’s so
A woman I dared not you to show
A woman you cared not to see
I’ll forgive you as I do myself
For her light radiated only a short
Distance from her image
Even I, myself, knew not to look
Take her now, a woman
Love her as herself
I will love her too for
She is me.
January 10, 1982
An aimless drifter I feel am I
To foreign lands I long to fly
Or in one’s arms I’d care to be
With his attentions turned towards me
Escape defers reality
January 16, 1982
Master of self-control
Would you dare to let it go?
It’s a burden on your stooping shoulders
The tenseness of your body is
Causing you daily pain
Sleep is not even a relief
You awaken throughout the night
In time to save your suffering soul
From the final picture in your minds’ eye
Casts before you
You are the master of self-control
Will you dare let the healers of the heart
Reach deeper into your soul?
Will you dare smile for the few seconds longer
Needed to feel?
Will you dare give up control and
Save your stricken life?
January 19, 1982: Pledge of Love
What shall I tell you? How shall I tell you
The truth, from the heart, is the hardest word to speak.
I hide behind a wall of fear,
Afraid of the love I seek.
You shall have it, at your request,
For the knot inside of me no longer needs a home.
I will free myself from the confines,
For my home is not longer a comfort.
Truth, fear, feeling …
You know it too because you see it.
Now I will confirm it.
January 20, 1982: Regress into Promises
I’m a damn liar.
I long for the day when I’ll learn to be as honest with you
As I am when I’m alone with my own thoughts,
As honest as I am to this ever-present piece of paper.
I am the fool who has pleased the crowd for all of her life,
Who, in the end, is left behind to shed her tears silently and
Sit alone behind the curtain.
I want you to know what my heart ever feels and my mouth
Never knows how to let the words speak out.
I may be a fool in your eyes but
It’s simply that what I fear most of all
I promise you’ll see my full light when
I’m giving it up from myself.
Just the same, I hope it’s to you that I’ll give in to shame and
I hope it’s for love that I’ll see through the game.
January 24, 1982: Questions of Love
The love has changed
But to what and to where?
Do I still love you?
How shall we love?
Rejection. You did it
To me, and now
I do it to you.
Feelings, they were mine,
And yours. Now they’re
It wasn’t safe.
I wasn’t sure of you,
Nor you of I.
Are we now?
Shall we ever be?
Will we ever trust
Each other enough to
Love each other again?
Will we know it this time?
Questions of Love
I forever ask, are forever
Asked by those in Love.
I can love.
I do love
January 26, 1982
My life is changing, and you are fading
Slowly and painfully away.
I don’t want to leave you.
You’ve been so much a part of me
For such a long time it seems….
Many times I long for you,
Yet I’m leaving you.
If only I could understand
What my love for you has been,
Or what it may be still?
I’ll remain patient, please,
Though you’ll never leave my thoughts.
In my heart I’ll feel you still,
Though faintly it remains.
I’m afraid to speak of Love
As loving you.
No longer am I sure
Of what I felt and knew
I need to know from you.
January 31, 1982: Eulogy
What kind of a poem do you write
For a loved one no longer?
Some kind of a romantic eulogy
Filled with passionate nostalgia?
or a simple line of
Once we were?
My love for you
Has not yet died.
Dispersed, it travels
Distant from my heart,
Yearning for loving hands
To be carried away in.
your passion is not meant for me,
Nor can you ever come to love me?
In my fondest dreams of you
I may feel your touch
Upon my lips of longer,
Suffer still am I.
For a loved one no longer
I see I have left a romantic eulogy
For in a purest moment to remember…
April 15, 1982: Never Never Land
So long I have been lost
In Never Never Land.
Never did I want to grow up.
Cmes the time to look again
At all I’ve done and all I’ve seen and
Where I stand in Never Never Land.
Comes the time to turn the page
To Wonderland yet,
Even there to pass through.
How I yearn to love just one, and
Should he love just me as well.
A dream’s a dream
I dream quite well in
Never Never Land.
March 9, 1982: In Night Attire
Tonight I wish a dream to come
Of pleasantries or anyone
A dream so fine to set my mind
At peace from such a day unkind
I could, if would be, wish upon
A star that shines naught with the sun, but
I prefer to rest at ease, and
Let my thoughts think as they please
So will it be
My eyes they tire
A peaceful rest in night attire, and
As my soul transcends its goal
Tonight my dreams
Will find me whole.
July 25, 1982: In Ohio
How can we re-create these times
We’ve share in endless efforts
Of joy making song?
I’ve asked it over ten times a thousand, and
Slept on sleepless night of chaos wondering
Could such an ideal ever come to be?
Deep inside from where my soul
So often responds to such harmonies
As we have shared in setting suns
I have heard the answer; Yes
A dream as such I shall make be.
June 1982: Green
It’s raining down an endless rain that
Greens the land where I reside while
Under sunny skies of blue the
Green is closing in on you.
Deep inside my heart is bleeding.
Sleepless nights find me uneasy.
Rains of sorrow just beginning.
The pain of distance cries within.
How much longer can we depend on
One right move to save again?
I heard you cry tonight
Behind the brave, courageous
Shield of green.
Three a.m. in distant time
The march moves closer than
I’ve ever been.
Where I reside it’s even farther, yet
Every moment I breathe with you.
Anxiously we all await the return
Of green to green upon green.
Innocence is all a dream we hide behind
To mask the shame.
Another endless night of rain.
November 28, 1982: My Friend
When I am aching
I am thinking of you.
When I am crying
I miss you so.
you are my life.
In another place
I tell of your joys and
In another place
They listen, but
They don’t hear.
A place in my heart.
When I am smiling
I am with you.
If we’ve found Peace
We’ve found Love
For one another.
We will seek it together.
We will share
Summer 1982: In America, Jerusalem
In America I often imagine myself in Jerusalem
Under the warm sun that tans my face
Sitting as a gentle breeze cools the tenser air
I can imagine days when I ran frantically to catch a bus, and
On other days, when running wasn’t quite my speed,
I’d stroll along the older roads that never lead me
To where I thought I’d go.
I remember shopping, and
Chaotic bargaining where I would choose
The freshest fruits and vegetables off the vendor’s table
I wear a star,
A Jewish star
Six points that rest around my neck.
On my chest it lays beneath my T-shirt as
I drive along the newly paved roads that
Always take me to where I want to go
I need to be reminded of whom
I’ve grown so proud to be
“If I forget thee, o Jerusalem”
If I forget thee, O America…
A peaceful meditation soothes the mind;
A silent prayer, the smallest hope,
A miracle to share…
In America I dream a lot, for
I know of a place where dreams come true;
I’m going there
Will you come too?
February 27, 1982
I come from a foreign land
I seek my life in You
O L-rd, give me comfort
O L-rd, give me love
April 18, 1982
Rains of tears
Fall through the years as
I rummage through fears
February 18, 1983
I look around me
All I see are the blank blue walls
They begin to dance with happiness
Upon thoughts of you
Are all I’ve left of you
They dance perpetually
In my minds’ eye
You hold my heart
Inside a seed was planted
Come to me, I plead
My eyes need to see you
My hands need to touch you
My ears need to hear your heartbeat
My love needs to meet your love
I hear your voice
It soothes me
I close my eyes
I dream you
A memory fades with the passing of time
A feeling lingers a while longer
In the early hours
I become all encompassed
Drowning in the depths of missing you
Come to me
October 29, 1983: Pen and Ink
Pen and ink may not cost much
I prefer the gently touch of
Fantasy, although unreal
Helps the scarring wounds to heal
Leave your costly thoughts behind
Your writer’s mask
I cannot find
Not even one forsaken word
I really would have rather heard
The lower tremor of your voice
To pen and ink
‘Twould be my choice
November 24, 1983: Once
Once you were a dream come true
Now you’re a fairy tale and
I’m still the fool.
December 9, 1983
Happy is a state of mind that
I’d like to be in
December 9, 1983
I can go through my life
In the poems I’ve written
What does it mean?
A written account of one’s life,
Is there are purpose?
Endless, unlearned words
Repeat in the history of one
Of THE One.
There is purpose;
To reach the Eternal, but
June 28, 1984
You remain still
A warm memory that
Surfaces from time to time
From the depths of my heart
When I feel lonely and lost
At such times of emptiness
I wish you were here
To hold me and give me strength
To be a friend to one in need as
I am now of you
September 6, 1984: Vessel
I have become a vessel
An instrument of G-d
I no longer play the songs
I AM the songs
They are no longer mine
For a purpose
Not my own
In this world there is a song
In our hearts we sing it…
July 5, 1985: A Prayer for Strength
Give me strength
Loneliness envelops me
I sit and ponder
All the mistakes I make in life
With only a prayer
They will turn into wisdom
Is the way I talk
Send me a spark to
Light my tongue on fire
Take these words from my pen
Help me speak them aloud
Loneliness envelops me
Let me live my life
While I’m still alive
Of Incense and myrrh
Of warmth and security
Of melody and harmony
Happiness is a state of mind….
December 2000: Seasons of Loving You
In the changing seasons
Of my life,
I discovered myself
My mind overflowed with
Of a not-so-distant
And a glorious
The sky glows orange.
Brilliant golds and reds,
Turn slowly to browns.
The changing of the season
Offers new life;
A chance to be born a-new.
Out on the deck
Our hands venture out
To discover each other.
Our bodies tingle and
Writhe in new sensation.
Sweet to the touch.
The trees are bare.
My heart is full.
I watch you
As you sit
I come to you;
I stroke your hair.
I kiss your forehead.
My Love for you.
You hold me
In your arms.
I am so in Love
Green covers the land.
My heart dances.
Our Love feels young,
Filled with passion.
Lying on the grass,
Wrap around as one.
Holding each other tight,
Our eyes look up
Toward the heavens.
We are thankful,
Full of praise
As our Love
Our hands touch.
Our fingers link.
I lean closer to you.
The sound of your breathing
I caress your body,
My Love overflowing.
I am at Peace.
A warm breeze
Caresses your cheek
As it moves along its path
Towards oceans and
I hear the leaves rustling.
Is your face…
Is your touch…
Into the warmth and
The steady beating of your heart.
These are the sounds of Love,
Of loving you.
On this warm summer evening
My life is complete.
Where Last Your Spirit Lay
Where last your spirit lay
There I walked
I saw you again
Peeking out from behind
Scooting here and there
Playing a game with me
You could always make me laugh…
I miss you
I can feel
Your tender touch
Where last your spirit lay
I’ll take you with me now
In my heart
You are mine
I am yours